another day...

i don't really know what to post about... because my trips to the embassy really aren't that interesting and i'm sure you are tired of hearing about them. but, it's what i do. so here goes another post about the embassy anyway. today was a rough day. not that one day there is really any different than the next. but some mornings i wake up, and i'm totally ready to go sit at the embassy for hours on end. this morning was not one of those mornings. today was my 6th day in a row, and 10th out of the past 13 days that i've been there. i woke up this morning and i did not want to go to the embassy. soooo many things about todays trip frustrated and irritated me, but i won't get into those details. but something else made it hard, too. i looked around at all the faces i recognized. and i recognized them from being at the embassy. everyone there is in the same battle. one very sweet haitian-american couple lives in Florida and is in the process of adopting a 9 month old baby boy. the baby was staying with a care-giver who lost their house in the earthquake. the couple has been in Haiti since Monday trying to get the papers to take their baby home. but they can't. they've been told they need to be finger printed-- but they can't do it here (even though just last week, they were doing finger printing at the embassy). they were told they have to go back to florida to do the prints. and of course, they can't take the baby with them. the care-giver has no home and has since moved away. they have no one else here to leave the baby with. and so they wait at the embassy. wait for something to change. wait for someone to give them a reasonable solution. there is another lady i've seen for several days at the embassy. she has 5 girls, ranging from about 9-13 yrs old. they aren't her children, but she has been caring for them. she is all they have. she was told yesterday that 3 of the girls have sufficient paperwork to get humanitarian parole, but the other 2 do not. she cannot take them with her to the states. i was told by someone else that this lady has said that she will go to the states with the 3 girls and just leave the other 2 at the embassy. i actually do not like this lady, she is not sweet, she is rude and pushy. but my heart breaks for these girls. as i stood at the window at the embassy today, waiting to speak with someone, i had to force myself to hold back tears. i wanted to just break down. for the 5 kids that we are trying to get home to their families. for the other families that have been living at the embassy. waiting and hoping. for the families that i saw at the embassy all week but were not there today because they have given up. because they don't know what else to do. i want to break down because this is more than just 5 kids. this is more than just 5 waiting families. it's hundreds.

how he loves us

As I was sitting at the Embassy yesterday, all frustrated and fed up with things, I turned on my Ipod and listened to the song "how he loves us" by David Crowder. And it hit me hard. He loves us. This is no small statement. The God of our universe and galaxies behind our knowledge, the God who spoke and made it so, the God who holds all things in His hand-- he loves us. The fact that this awesome, all-powerful God would even acknowledge me let alone love me, His creature, is humbling and something to be in awe of. I love in the book of Job when the Lord finally speaks in chapter 38. He says, "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined it's measurements- surely you know!..." This goes on for 2 chapters. Then in ch. 40 "And the Lord said to Job: "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." Then Job answered the Lord and said, "Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand over my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further."" Who is man to question God? We are not always going to have the answers. We are not always going to understand why things happen. And that's okay. When things around me start to fall apart and I want to question God and question His reasoning, I have to cling to what I know. I know that He loves us. This reminded of something I said in a post about perspective- Sometimes we just have to take a truth that we know and keep reminding ourselves of it when everything seems to contradict it. I don't know why this earthquake happened. I want to cry out to God, "Haven't these people been through enough? Wasn't their life already hard enough?". So I cling to the Truth- God loves Haiti. He loves the people of Haiti. He knows them by name. He created them, He knows the number of hairs on their heads. He has not forgotten them.

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

feels like going backwards

this is the plane that got me back to haiti:

we got in around maybe 9:30 Monday morning. first on my agenda of course was going back to the Embassy. we knew the process and rules as far as getting humanitarian parole were changing, and this is when we were first told that everything was on hold. it didn't matter what paper work we had. it didn't matter how far they were in the process. it didn't even matter if they had already printed the travel documents. no documents were being given. UNICEF got in the way (click on the link to read someone's blog about UNICEF). we were simply told on Monday that a meeting was taking place between some US and haitian government officials trying to find a solution. we left the embassy with nothing.

went back to the embassy Tuesday morning. each day since Monday has felt like a step backwards. i don't even want to go to the embassy anymore. i would be okay going there everyday and not making any progress. but it is beyond frustrating to feel like we are moving backwards. Tuesday they made it hard for us to even get in the embassy. and today they made it even more difficult. we've been told now that every file must go to the Prime Minister for him to review. and only files that have already (pre-earthquake) been approved by the haitian government will even make it to the Prime Minister. at this point, it means if you just started your adoption process or had not yet made it to a certain point, there is nothing you can do. you cannot get humanitarian parole. i'm not really sure how that makes any sense. i really do understand that certain documents need to be in place. i understand they want to prevent child trafficking and sending kids out that actually had haitian families that wanted them here. but what is the reason in stopping those of us that have paper work showing the haitian family had pre-earthquake given their child over to the orphanage. we have birth certificates and court documents. why keep these kids here? what is the purpose? there just is no logical explanation. and it's frustrating. but we are not giving up. 2 of the children we are trying to get home to their families have paperwork and documents needed. the other 3 were just beginning the process. but things are changing daily here. we just have to hope that it will eventually again change in our favor. in the favor of the orphaned children who have american families waiting for them.

what day is it, anyway?

this weekend has been such a blur. i mean, more-so than the rest of the past 2 weeks. Friday, we finally got the travel documents we needed to get 15 of our kids out of haiti and to their families in the states. there are still 7 children that we were not able to get the paperwork for, but we went ahead and left with the 15. it was an interesting ride, that's for sure! we left haiti on a military plane and arrived in Orlando at 11:30 pm. we were taken to a room that consisted of a table, chairs, a television (thankfully), blankets and snacks. and that is where some of us spent the next 16 hours. through-out the night, the children were taken one by one to get finger printed and someone went over their documents. most of the children slept rather well. the kids really did great overall with the whole crazy experience. they were champs on the loud plane. maybe a little unsure of all that was going on (and of course had no idea what was happening or why) but they went with the flow. sleeping on hard floors. eating crackers and snacks. seeing new things and new people. this probably didn't bother the kids as much as it did the adults-- but we could feel the room shaking with each plane that took off and landed. our first thought was - aftershock! then we would quickly realize we were not in haiti and it was not an aftershock. :) the parents started picking up their kids sometime Saturday morning. i'm not really sure what time that started. but we had to stay until the last child was picked up- we stayed in that room until around 3:30. by the time we got to our condo (some of the families stayed in Orlando instead of heading right back out) it was around 5pm. in a way, it felt like it was still Friday. but it also felt like Friday was weeks ago. i just couldn't keep track of what day it was. and i was constantly forgetting that i was in Orlando and not haiti. after settling in, Saturday evening was quite relaxing. i shared a room with three other ladies that had also escorted the children home. the group ordered pizza. we snatched up the pizza and hid out in our room watching meaningless TV and fell asleep early. it was divine. then both of the ladies had flights this afternoon to go back to their homes in the states. i went with them to the airport to try to get a flight to ft. lauderdale, as i had arranged a charter flight out of there for Monday morning. it was kind-of weird going to the airport without a real plan! but i was able to catch a flight and the group i will be flying with had also reserved a few hotel rooms- so i was set for that once i arrived in ft. lauderdale. and here i am. today is sunday. i'm in ft. lauderdale. it's been 12 days since the earthquake. these are things i have to keep reminding myself.

embassy

I've been spending most of my time since Monday at the Embassy. Heartline's orphanage, Maranatha Children's Home, has 18 kids that we are trying to get home through humanitarian parole. These are orphans that already have adoptive families and we are trying to get them home to these families. The earthquake will only make life in haiti harder. More people without homes or any possessions. More people without food and water. More orphans. There is no reason to keep orphans here that have families waiting for them in the United States. Both the US and Haitian government seem to be working with us for humanitarian parole and several orphans have already been able to go home. Watch the video on that link, it is so awesome to see these kids united FOREVER with their families. A dad that is adopting from Heartline, Tim, came into Haiti on Sunday to help work on getting our kids out. He and I have been to the Embassy Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday was our longest day there. We seemed to go in a lot of circles and even take steps backwards. We had originally been working with a very helpful lady, but she had to leave for the day and we got passed off to someone a little more clueless. We had already given them the lists and emails that they needed. Now they were acting like they didn't know who we were or what we wanted. We finally get to talk to someone, then wait for hours. The same guy would then come up and act like he didn't remember talking to us 2 hours ago! We were able to help them gather all the info that we had already given them and they said they would start working on putting together the travel documents. Tim is back at the Embassy today with another adoptive dad that just flew into Haiti yesterday. Once we have the travel docs in hand (hopefully TODAY) we will take all the kids to the Embassy and wait for a flight out.

some pictures...

i know you've seen all kinds of pictures through the media and other people's blogs and facebook. but here are a few pictures of mine. i believe they are all from Wednesday... and they are either from the drive to Three Angels, Delmas 91 (the road TAs is on) or the along the walk i made from TAs to Quisqueya school where the kids stayed. i haven't taken any pictures since then. in fact, i don't even know where my camera is. i don't know where a lot of my clothes are. things seemed to have gotten lost in-between the transition from where i was living to the Livesays where i'm staying now. plus, there have been so many people in and out. things are just crazy. unimaginable, really. and i'm sorry i do not blog or update more. to do so would mean i would have to actually stop, think, and process it all. and it's almost easier just not to do that.

the days following Tuesday...

Wednesday morning, Troy and I went off to check on several people and then back to Three Angels. We were seeing things for the first time in daylight. Here is Troy's video he took along some of the drive, walking (climbing) down Delmas 91, the people gathered across the street of TAs (listening carefully, you will hear them singing): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viXd8mD77UE

I stayed behind at Three Angels, while Troy went to continue checking on people and getting other things done. After we didn't see the orphanage kids across the street, I went over to the TA building. The cooks were there working on the afternoon meal. Francois was there waiting to bring the food down to Quisqueya School, where the kids and nannies had set up "camp". I walked with Francois to the school so he could bring the car back to the O and load it up with the food and many other supplies. We got the food down and I was able to hang around and play with the kids for a little while. After things were settled there, I took a moto taxi (people on motorcycles ride around and you pay them for a ride) back to Tabarre (the area of Port au Prince where I live). The aftershocks were still hitting often. From there on out- my days blend together. I can continue telling stories, but I honestly don't know what happened on which day. I went back and forth from Tabarre to Petionville (where Three Angels and Quisqueya are) everyday except Thursday. After the first day, they decided to save gas and not drive the car as much. I helped them carry the large pots of hot food (rice and bean sauce) several blocks down to the school. As we would walk by many of the collapsed buildings, we would see dead bodies covered in sheets or blankets. I was thankful they were covered. It would make it all that much harder to have a face to put with each body. The past several days have been so hard without reliable communication. It is getting better. My phone works most of the time now. However, I have been unable to get more minutes on it (in haiti, all cell phones work similar to the pay-as-you-go phones. you just buy a phone card to put minutes on it). Yesterday, two Three Angels board members and 3 other people were finally able to land in Haiti on a missionary flight. Things and information are constantly changing. It was hard and frustrating when things are changing and you have no easy way to communicate that to the people that need to know. Yesterday was an adventure for me. After getting word that Gretchen (TA board member) and team had landed (after someone else had just called me telling me they could not land), I desperately tried to come up with a solution. I was able to send out one text message that I hoped would get to Francois, letting them know they needed to pick up the team from the airport, but his phone was not working, it was to someone else's phone. Then, I ran out of cell phone minutes. I couldn't make any calls even if I knew who to try to get ahold of. I left the Livesay house simply telling Tara, "I have to go do something." But, I didn't exactly have a plan. Normally, I would not just go out by myself in Haiti (at least, not often), mostly because of my limited Creole and also because it's not always the wisest thing for a single woman. I started walking down the street and ran into Troy, so I asked if he knew where I could by a phone card. He told me there is normally a guy down by the boys and girls home that sells them. I walked down that way and started asking people, in my best possible Creole, if they knew this guy. Some boys directed me to where he was at. I went and knocked on the gate, eventually someone came to the gate, but said that guy was at church. So I continued on back down the road to a corner where people are set up selling things. I asked several people, no one had any phone cards. So then I just decided to get on a moto and go to the airport. When I had last been able to talk to Gretchen, she told me they were at the domestic airport, which is separate from the regular one. At this point, I had no idea if Francois and Abbey had even gotten my message, and if they had, I was afraid they would go to the regular airport. Gretchen called me while I was on the moto ride. She said they found their own tap tap (public transportation- usually a pickup truck with benches in the back) and would just go ahead on their own. Since I was headed to the airport, I decided I would continue on there, and see if I could find Abbey and Francois, in case they did show up to pick up the team. I didn't see them there, so an airport employee went with me to the domestic airport. We walked most of the way, because traffic was so horrible. Someone there told us that the 5 white people had already left. So from there I took a moto and went to the school, where the Three Angels kids were gathered. Gretchen and team had already arrived, but still no one had heard from Abbey or Francois. I walked with the team up to the Three Angel property so they could take a look around. Again, the cooks were preparing the meal, so then I helped them carry it to the school. As I carried one of the hot, heavy pots, I wanted to put it up on my shoulder to make it easier to carry. So I picked up a shirt off the street to lay it on. One of the people I was walking with said, "No, li mouri." Meaning, the shirt was from someone who died. After getting back to the school, I was exhausted and ready to go home. Abbey and Francois showed up just as I was leaving. They had got my message and had gone to the airport to pick up the team. I went and found myself a moto. It was a poor choice. We had to stop twice so he could fix something on the motorcycle. But I made it home. Then we worked on getting the Women's Program building at Heartline set up for the medical clinic that we will be starting on Monday. A team of doctors, nurses, and others are suppose to be getting in today on a private plane. I have not heard any updates on them. Hopefully there are able to land so we will be fully ready to start tomorrow.

from my eyes...

I live at the World Wide Village Guest House in Tabarre Haiti. A couple Heartline adoptive parents were at the guest house visiting at the time. I was at my computer when the shaking started. I've read that the earthquake was maybe 20-30 seconds... but it felt like it went on for minutes. It took me a while to process what was happening. My immediate thought was that it was just a big truck or something. Then I realized that was silly... this was much more than a truck. I looked up and saw one of the kids walking by, so I grabbed him and covered him in the hallway. I could hear and see things falling. And then it was over. Everyone that had been in the house at the time started gathering in the front yard. Two of the Livesay kids were over watching a movie. Troy came over to check on everyone. No one really seemed to be thinking clearly yet, we just knew we needed to make sure everyone was okay. All the neighbors were coming out of their house gathering in yards, too. After we were able to process what had happened, we started looking at the damage. The guest house was still standing fine, but had many cracks and was a mess. Vivien and I, the two that live there, have been staying with the Livesays. The guest house is probably okay, but with all the aftershocks continuing, many of them rating over a 4.0, we decided it would be safer to not stay there. We also realized that we live in a good neighborhood, and even the guest house was a good building. If even that got cracks in it, what did the rest port-au-prince look like?? All the phones were down and internet was down at the Livesays, but was still working at the guest house. I was able to communicate with people right away. I immediately thought of Three Angels, but knew we would have no way to contact them. The more I talked to people who had heard things through the media, I grew more concerned about Three Angels. People were saying that the Caribbean Market was collapsed, which I found hard to believe. Then I heard the St. Joseph's also fell. Both of these are very close to Three Angels. I decided I could not wait until morning to check on them, I had to do it now. Troy generously offered to take me there. Even though I knew it would be bad out, I still had not been outside my gated neighborhood yet. Even in the dark, the drive to Three Angels was worse than I had imagined. The closer we got, the more worried I got. Many buildings were down along Delmas. When we knew we were getting near Delmas 91, we tried to watch carefully so we didn't miss the road. But we soon realized we had gone too far. We turned back around. I looked to my left and I saw a little girl laying on the sidewalk. I knew she was dead when people would walk by, pause to look at her, then keep walking. Then I saw why we had passed Delmas 91 the first time, you couldn't see the road. A large building on the corner had crumbled. Troy parked the car and we walked around a back way to get to Three Angels. A neighbor told us all the TA people were all okay and at a neighbors across the street. They have a pretty big yard, and had started gathering people over there. Many were injured and had been carried in. I found Abbey, who was staying alone at TAs, and greeted all the nannies and employees. Most of the kids were asleep on blankets. There was only one nurse over there, but she was doing what she could. While I was standing there, a lady was brought in with a gash in her leg. I'm not sure if "gash" is even the right word... her leg was torn open. I held the flash light as the nurse tried to clean the wound out. She poured peroxide on it and washed it out and said that's about all we could do for the time being. She would probably live through the night, but she would need a surgeon to amputate her leg. Before we left, tears came to my eyes as I heard all the people that were gathered start singing. They were lifting praises to God. After we left Three Angels, Troy and I stopped to check on a few other nearby ministries, and then headed home. On the drive home, we saw people were gathering in large groups anywhere they could. No one wanted to go back inside. They were gathered in parks, schools, front yards, and even just in the middle of the street. Many more times, I heard singing coming from the people gathered. I knew that these people were in pain. They had lost their homes, their possessions, and family and friends. As if life in Haiti wasn't already hard, it seemed inviable now. But here they were, in the midst of that, in the midst of something I still could not comprehend, lifting up songs to the Father. And that was January 12, 2010 for me.

i'm just going to leave you with this link for now- http://thehowertons.blogspot.com/

Kristen was staying at the guest house i live at, we were all here when the earthquake hit. She writes of the experience well.

Just a quick update-

Everyone at Three Angels and Heartline ministries are fine. The guest house where i stay had some damages and we aren't sure how safe it is, especially with the aftershocks still hitting. Vivien and I are staying at the Livesays house for now. At Three Angels, large parts of the outside wall were down and the doors do not shut or lock, so it is not safe for them to stay there right now. Tuesday night, they stayed outside at a neighbor's across the street. they have a lot of land, and many people from the area where gathering over there. last night they stayed a school (where port au prince fellowship is held). board members and others are planning to take a missionary flight and get to haiti tomorrow.

that's all for now. soon i will try to write more about what's going on outside.