that feeling

it's 2am and i can't sleep. yes, it's largely thanks to the red bull i just drank. but it's what's running through my head that got me out of bed (sorry for the rhyme). Tara has been detail blogging about the first days of and after the earthquake. you can read the first night here, with the rest following. she talks about when Troy and I left late the night of the earthquake to go check on Three Angels. and that's what's running through my head. that feeling that i had.  currently, i can only remember one other time when that feeling was so strong. 


it was May 5, 2000. my sister answered the phone and i immediately knew something was wrong. she hangs up. "uh mom, Seth (our younger brother, then 12) was hit by a car by J.D.'s house." my mom took the van and drove the couple of blocks there. my sister and i stayed to call our dad and we tried to call a few church friends and family. after that, we decided to walk there. that's when i had that feeling. 


the same one i had walking to Three Angels that night. you've probably had it, too. you know what i'm talking about, yet i don't even know how to describe it. 


you are panicked, unsure of what you will find. your heart is beating fast. your legs feel like jello. you don't even realize that you are walking. and then it's like your brain finally discovers that you are walking, that your legs are moving, but it quickly forgets again. you are thinking 1,000 different things at once... yet your mind feels blank. you feel numb. simply because you don't know how to process what is happening. you have to remind yourself to breathe. you realize there are probably people around you, but you don't notice them.  you are shaking. if someone asks you a question, you might respond, but you're not even paying attention to what you're saying. you feel disconnected from your body.


before Troy and I left, we had not yet stepped outside of our gated neighborhood. we knew it had to be bad out there. but nothing can prepare you for seeing it. and the closer we got to Three Angels, the more the fear swelled up in me. buildings were down all over the place. people crowded in the streets. we soon realized we had passed the street for TAs and we turned around. there was a dead little girl on the side walk. her arms were spread out to her sides and people were pausing to look at her, then walking on by. then we saw why we had passed Delmas 91, it was unrecognizable. a huge building on the corner had collapsed, blocking the road. so we parked farther down and walked down the next street that connects over. and the whole time we walked, i had that feeling.


many days after the earthquake, like after any tragedy, you have that disconnected feeling. it's still all impossible to process. but it's different. it's a different feeling. it's just not quite the same as when you are walking (or on your way) there.  you keep telling yourself "they're okay. they're okay. they have to be okay." but you know you can't will them to be okay.  it's the not knowing. but you know you are on your way to find out. it's that feeling.