Wednesday, June 13, 2012

pressing on

I didn't help start Leve Project because it seemed like a cool idea. Leve Project was founded after prayer, first-hand experience, research and a lot of hard work. Leve Project was founded because it's something we, the founders, believed in and felt called to do. Since I first started full-time ministry, moving to Haiti to be the house manager at an orphanage, I have always felt that people look down to me. Like I'm too young. I don't have a college degree. I'm single. I'm female. Apparently, those are all negative qualities. I rarely feel like someone has confidence in me, in what I'm doing. When we first started Leve, people might not have said it in direct words, but they expected us to fail. In Acts, a man named Gamaliel says, "For is this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them." 

I'm not going to lie, the thought of quitting has crossed my mind. We don't have the financial support we need. At least, we don't have the security of financial commitments that would make me more comfortable. But, God has always provided. Sometimes, I look over finances and think to myself, "We can't keep going like this". And yet, we've always been able to keep going. Besides financial support, I sometimes feel we don't have support in the form of encouragement and partners. Just the other day, I was thinking to myself, "If no one else supports this, why am I still doing it? Why shouldn't I quit?". But I know why I can't quit. Because it wasn't man that called me to this, it was God. And even if I feel alone, even if I feel like no one else supports what I'm doing, I know that God called me to it and He is in it with me. And so I will press on. Straining towards the goal. 

I will admit though, that I don't know what that will look like. Pressing on. I'm at the point where I have to consider returning to the states. I have no personal income and my savings is just enough for a plane ticket. Leve Project struggles every month. Our house rent was due last month and we still don't have the money to pay it. At first, I thought this was all just another reason for me to quit. But then I looked at it again. And I cannot quit. 

I really feel we're making an impact here. Last month, we had a our first community meeting. We got the people of the village together to talk about what they want and what they feel they need. We've had several more meetings and a leadership committee was formed. We met with the committee last week to discuss and make plans for micro-loans. I feel like the people are encouraged and excited about the meetings we have had and it's given them a hope. These people have hopes and dreams for their lives... no human being wants to live in the conditions they do. They have learned to be content in their poverty...but they have hopes for a better life.  And in our meetings, they are seeing a little shred of light... a possibility that maybe their future can change. I can't walk away from that. The thought of quitting makes me literally sick. These are people I know. While they might just be a photograph to you, they are real, living, breathing people. Beautifully and wonderfully made by the Creator. And until I have absolutely nothing left in me, nothing left to give, I will continue to fight for them. I will fight for their dreams and hopes of a better life. 

I am asking for partners that will step out in faith with me. Faith that this is an undertaking of God. Faith that God is faithful and just. Faith that God will provide and that we can make a difference here, not because of ourselves, but because of Him. 

I feel like God has brought me, and this ministry, to a place of desperation. But not because He wants me to be desperate for more money and more partners and more support; He brought me here because He wants me to be desperate for Him. So I lay it at His feet. And whether in Haiti or in the states, I will continue to do the work that Leve Project has started here. I will press on.