I was in bed. Ready for sleep. I wish I hadn't heard the notification. The CourierPress app with the headline "Cyclist killed identified as Vectren President". I, of course, proceeded to read the article. Damn, now I can't sleep. I hate death. Some might say that Christians shouldn't hate death. But death is the result of sin. It's a reminder of this sinful, falling apart world. It's loss, it's pain. So, yeah, I hate it.
A guy went out cycling, and now he is gone. A 23 yr old young lady, her life is changed too. Maybe she was heading into work or out running errands. Obviously, whether the result is injury or death, bein the victim is a scary thought. But, I also cannot imagine living with the burden of knowing I changed or took someone's life. Heavy stuff.
But, believe it or not, the main thing on my mind isn't death. It's peace. I don't have it. Not just about dying. Though yes, that too. I know, I know, this world is not our home. And heaven and being with Jesus is far greater than we can imagine. Fact is-- this world has been my home for 28 years. And another fact-- I've never died before. Surprise!! So, death is scary. I don't care who you are or what you say. Death is impossible for us to wrap our minds around. Death is the unknown. And it's hard to be completely at peace with the unknown.
It's not just death though. I just don't really feel peace. And I don't think I'm the only one. It almost seems as though people who don't identify as Christians are more at peace than those who do. Why is that? I struggle with doubt. Not doubt that God exists, (well, yeah, I've been there, too) but doubts about who God really is. What the Bible is really saying. What's the point, the meaning? I doubt, I struggle, I question. And you overconfident Christians out there, you don't fool me. Have you always believed the same as you do now? Unlikely. I've changed a lot in the past 5 years. At 23, man, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew the answers. The meaning of it all. I was confident. I thought I was right! Now, I look at my 23 year old self and shake my head. I was naive and foolish! Arrogant. Prideful. Blind. But, I thought I was seeking God and the Truth and pleasing Him. Now, I know for certain that I don't believe some of those things I was so certain about (Ah, but how can I be certain?!). Other things, I'm still wrestling with. Sometimes, I get tired of wrestling. I know people who appear to have peace. Believers and non-believers. What is it? I'm not looking for the church answers here. Maybe it's largely accepting, or figuring out, who you are. It would be hard to be at peace when you're wrestling with your own identity. Maybe it's figuring out who you believe God to be. His character, His attributes. His will. Of course, you might change your mind about that 5 years down the road, but maybe having a small amount of confidence would be enough for now.
I just want to be happy. Really happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. My life doesn't suck. But I just don't have that peace or joy or confidence that I see in some people. I'm striving for it though. I try to be positive, to see the good in things, to be kind, to seek God, to love others. Enjoy the journey.
Wait, you know what? I think it's freedom. Which has to do with both knowing who you are and knowing who you believe God to be. When you feel free to be who you are. That would lead to peace. And as a believer, freedom in Christ. Church people always talk about "freedom in Christ", but then everything else they say seems to say, "No, you can't be free to believe that or think that or do that. No, you're not really free.". I think I need to figure out what it means to be free.
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